


Weighed, measured, and found wanting

by roughentumble



Category: IT (2017), IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Alternate Universe - No Pennywise (IT), Alternate Universe - Royalty, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2019-10-26
Packaged: 2021-01-03 09:42:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21177347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roughentumble/pseuds/roughentumble
Summary: Richie is a slacker prince, and Eddie just wants to get his work done.This work is abandoned.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so, some warnings.
> 
> There will be speech anachronisms, because I find that sort of thing funny, and also because it's the way I feel comfortable writing.
> 
> In general this won't be very historically accurate, because I don't know a lot about medieval times(I literally only learned how to reliably spell that word correctly, tonight.) I'll try my best, but my primary interest has always been, and probably always will be, character interactions, so it's what I prioritize while writing.
> 
> Thankfully, all of this takes place in a fantasy world, during a nonspecific fantasy era! So technically it isn't historically inaccurate at all, since it takes place in its own world, that just so happens to be inspired by real life(and fictional) royalties and monarchies spanning from the medieval era to the Renaissance and beyond. Chamber maids is a phrase that didn't even exist until Victorian times(unless I misread a source), so. Just keep that in mind as you read. This takes place in Generic Fantasy Monarchy, and not in a real place or period in history, and I'm just taking all the elements I find most interesting and pushing them together. I hope it turns out interesting for everyone else, too.
> 
> Also, if you'd like to talk to me outside of AO3 for whatever reason, you can also find me on tumblr under the same username, [roughentumble](https://roughentumble.tumblr.com).

"I'm _worried_ about you, sweetie. They work the staff so _hard_ in the castle, and you're such a fragile boy." Her hold on Eddie's wrist turns painful, and it takes everything in him not to flinch at her crushing grip.

"It'll be _fine_," Eddie insists, gently prying away his mother's fingers. "I promise. We need this money, and it's an incredible opportunity. I spend months chasing jobs, and then this falls into our laps? It's a _blessing_. So don't worry, okay?"

She sniffles pathetically, but nods, looking down at her lap.

"I promise to write, okay?" He leans in and kisses her on the cheek, because he knows she would insist on it, and because he knows that, in some ways, this is goodbye. He's not exactly going to be getting vacation days anytime soon, and the castle's far enough away that he can't pop over in the evenings for a quick, 'hey, I love you, good to see you, bye.' It's a little bit frightening and a lot bit exciting. His mother's still fishing for his pity, if the downtrodden expression is anything to go by, but the prospect of being free from her is intoxicating, and he finds himself smiling.

He convinces himself he's not a bad son for wanting that freedom by telling himself that it's all in service of the paycheck he'll be sending back to her.

\--------------------------------------

The castle is made largely of dark, gray stone and cuts a rather imposing figure against the morning sky. It towers above him, and for a moment, Eddie feels very small, and very alone.

Then he shakes himself, slaps his own cheeks to bring himself back into the moment. This is an opportunity, and he's not going to just run away from it. He's had worse jobs, he's certain of it, and he needs the money. He steels himself, takes a deep breath, and steps inside.

\--------------------------------------

The head maid gives him a once-over, eyebrow raised. "And you are...?"

Eddie shifts nervously under her scrutiny, readjusts the bag on his shoulder. " Eddie Kaspbrak. I was hired, recently, and told to report to you. I'm your new maid?"

She makes a disapproving sort of 'hmm'. "Would've been nice if they'd _told_ me you were coming today, but then again, what should I expect? This is only the _king's_ estate, you can't expect any _order_." She turns away from him, and he can't help but feel relief that her irritation doesn't seem to be directed at him specifically. "Come along, I'll show you to Angela. She's your senior, and she'll be showing you your duties, so you'd best mind whatever she says."

Eddie hurries to follow after her, saying 'yes ma'am' when it seems appropriate. She drops him off in the doorway of one of the rooms in the servant's quarters. "New guy'll be shadowing you today, Angela. Show him the ropes."

The woman sitting on the bed, apparently Angela, makes a noise of displeasure. "No one told me that was today!"

The head maid raises her hands and looks heavenward. "I was just as uninformed as you, Angie. If you have complaints, take it up with the Steward." Angela makes a disgruntled noise, but otherwise lets the issue drop. The head maid leaves and he and Angela are alone.

She gestures to the other bed in the room. Hers was on the far wall, and his was opposite, with a single dresser between the two to delineate the small space. "My drawers are the top, yours are the bottom. There should be a uniform in there for you. Just leave your things on the bed, you can put them away later. Hurry up and change so we can get started."

She was still lacing up her shoes, so he had a minute before she'd be waiting on him, and he scrambles to follow her orders. He tries very, very hard to ignore the fact that he was changing in front of someone else, and instead focuses on doing it as fast as physically possible.

She still has to encourage him to "Hurry it up, we're going to be late," but he thinks he did an alright job of it, because she looks more amused than angry.

\--------------------------------------

"Since you're just starting, and it's what we need right now, your main duties will be that of a chamber maid," she explains as she gathers armfuls of clean linens, "but you aren't one. You'll be asked to do all sorts of odd jobs, especially the longer you stay here. You might get loaned out as a scullery maid, or asked to tend to the gardens, if they really need the extra hands. You're as much all-purpose help as you are a maid."

Eddie copies her movements and tries to keep up with her quick pace, mentally repeating everything she says to help himself remember. He's on his third round of 'all-purpose, not just a maid,' when he hears someone whistle loudly, as if trying to get his attention. He freezes on the spot, and is suddenly very glad he has, as a man comes careening across the room in front of him, missing him only by a few inches.

Angela rolls her eyes. "You know, every time you slide down the banister, _we_ have to repolish it, m'lord."

The man rights himself and grins. His hair is long and loose, with thick glasses perched on his nose. His clothes are also shockingly common, and Eddie wracks his brain, trying to figure out how this man is a lord of any sort. "I don't mean to make more work, I can repolish it for you, if you'd like."

She shakes her head, balancing the linens on one hip to fix him with an exasperated expression. "Then you'd only slide down it again. It'd be never-ending."

He grins a little wider, "Gotta' have fun somehow, Angel." He winks at her and she scoffs in return. "Now, aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?" He turns towards Eddie, who clutches the linens a little closer to his chest, unsure of what to make of the man before him. He can feel irritation slipping in though. He had a job to learn, and this man, whoever he was, was wasting their time.

"M'lord, this is Eddie. He's a new hire. Try not to break him, I don't want to have to teach someone new again. Eddie, this is the prince." Eddie can physically feel the moment all the blood drains from his face. Prince? _The_ prince? She had just scoffed at the prince? He had just been irritated at the _prince_?

"I- it's a pleasure to m- meet you, sire." He says, mostly managing to keep the tremble out of his voice. This didn't make sense to him. Wouldn't she get fired or reprimanded for rebuffing the advances of the prince?_ I mean_, Eddie thinks to himself, eyes flicking nervously between him and Angie, _he's. He's a prince._ His reputation as a playboy preceded him as well, but he seemed more happy-go-lucky than flirtatious, and Angie was hardly swooning at his words. "And, um. Th- thank you for your time, m'lord." What else was he supposed to say? For her part, Angie mostly seems amused, snickering behind the prince.

He spares her a glance and says "Aw, be nice, they're all like that at first. He doesn't know any better. He'll learn soon enough." Then he turns his attention back to Eddie. His eyes are sparkling with amusement. "Enough of this 'm'lord' and 'sire' stuff. Just call me Richie."

A blush rises to his cheeks so quickly, it makes him a little dizzy. "Uh. Um. I can't-- I can't do that, m'lord." The linens had to be wrinkled, now, he was clutching them so tightly. Angela was holding in laughter so desperately that she had to put one hand over her mouth to keep it from bursting out.

"Sure you can. It's easy, just two syllables. Rich-ie. Plus, I'm the prince and I'm giving you permission. There isn't a lot out there more weighty than that, hmm?" He cocks his head to the side, steps a little closer.

"Uh," Eddie's voice is high and panicked, and he takes a step back. "I- I really-- I really very much can't, m'lord. Uh. G- goodbye." He scrambles out of the hall, Angela following after him and cackling.

"_Really very much?_" She repeats mockingly, and Eddie groans.

"I _panicked_, okay, what do you want from me? He's the _prince_!"

\--------------------------------------

"So, how did you like the prince?" Angela asks that night, as they're both settling into their cots. Now that Eddie's had some time to think on it, he frowns. Richie's reputation isn't just that of a playboy, but also of an absentee prince. A slacker.

Eddie thinks about how he would skip dinner some nights, just so his mother would have enough to eat. About the poverty that wracked the streets of his hometown. Something a little less forgiving settles over him. "He's... unprofessional." Eddie says. He means it, but Angela just laughs.

"That's certainly one way to put it."

"If he really liked people that much, he could use his position to try and change things. Make the country better. But he doesn't."

Angela looks bemused. "I think it's much better for the country he keeps his nose out of politics. That boy doesn't know his head from a hole in the ground. I think he'd just make a bigger mess of things if he did try to throw any of his weight around." She shrugs and pulls up her blanket. "Maybe you're right, but if I were to put money on any of them, I'd put it on his sister. Hell, I don't know if I'd be interested in politics either, with her around. It's like trying to learn to walk in order to challenge the world's fastest sprinter."

Eddie doesn't have much to say to that. He doesn't know any of them well enough to speak on the subject. But the idea of all of his hungry nights leaves him with something in the pit of his stomach he can't just brush aside.

\--------------------------------------

The prince takes to following him around like a lost puppy.

It's extremely draining.

He bothers Eddie at all hours of the day, chattering nonstop and leaving him harried and scrambling to get his job done in a timely manner. His constant talking makes Eddie forget steps, since he doesn't have it memorized yet, and he gets lost for longer than he should in the twisting halls of the castle, since he relied on counting halls to remember where he was and how to get back, and Richie would interrupt him, or bump into him, or something else infuriating, and Eddie would lose count, and they'd wander for ten minutes or more trying to find their way back.

It never occurs to Eddie to ask Richie where they are, partially because it felt wrong to ask a prince, partially because he was sure Richie would just get him lost on purpose, as a joke, but mostly because Richie was annoying and Eddie was determined to not rely on him for anything.

\--------------------------------------

Eddie quickly noticed that, even when not with him, Richie spent most of his time around the servants.

He had, on multiple occasions, gone to drop something off or deliver a message to the cooking staff, only to find Richie there with them, sitting on a counter and laughing along with them, munching on bread or cakes or whatever else he could get his hands on.

Eddie doesn't know why, precisely, this behavior drove him up a wall, but he hates it either way.

\--------------------------------------

Every day the pressure mounted, the anger grew, and he knew that Richie knew, because he'd get this mischievous glint in his eye, and he'd start talking a little faster, leaning in a little closer. It's like he wanted Eddie to get mad. He didn't know why, but he was fairly certain that one of these days he was going to crack a tooth biting back all the words he wanted to say.

\--------------------------------------

Also, at the end of every day, right before Richie went off to do whatever it was he did at night, he'd say "And one last thing-- are you ready to use my name yet, Eddie?"

And every time, Eddie would hold in an irritated huff and say "Not tonight, m'lord."

"Ah, well," he'd say, and ruffle Eddie's hair, "I'll convince you one of these days."

And then he'd leave, and Eddie would feel a big lump of weird, complicated feelings grow in his chest, and he decided all of them were different varieties of anger because that was easier to deal with, before going to bed himself.


	2. Chapter 2

"Come on, I promise your job will be safe." Richie needles as he trails after Eddie, who is currently carrying an armload of linens to one of the many bedrooms. "I can tell you're irritated, just tell me what I've done. Unload. I'm curious, I want to know." He's grinning, watching as Eddie has to work harder and harder to school his expression away from irritation.

"I think, m'lord," he starts, glancing down the hall as he half-listens to Richie's chatter and half-counts doorways so he knows which one to enter, "that you're a prince and I'm a chamber maid, and it wouldn't be proper to--"

Richie cuts him off with a groan. "Who the fuck _cares_ about 'proper'?" Eddie has to grind his teeth to keep his mouth shut as Richie steps in front of him, blocking his path. "Come _on_, I'm giving you full permission here. No repercussions, no consequences, unload. I wanna' hear what you have to say."

"M'lord, please, I--" He tries to step around, but Richie mirrors him, blocking his path again. The frustration has mounted so high he can feel a vein standing out in his temple.

Richie looks absolutely delighted, bouncing on his toes with excitement. "You're about to break, aren'tcha'? It's okay, c'mon, hit me with it, I promise I've heard worse." He goads, words falling off his tongue with dizzying speed. Distantly, Eddie wonders if that isn't part of his tactic, if it isn't calculated to make him as annoying at possible. He wouldn't put it past him. "C'mon, _c'mon_, tell me, I can take it, I swear, okay, just--"

"Shut the fuck up!" Eddie screeches before he can stop himself. He screws his eyes shut and takes a deep breath, clutching the linens to his chest. "Shit. Shit. I'm sorry, I'm fine, I just..."

Richie makes an irritated noise. "Hey, don't do that, don't wind yourself down! Come on, you were so close to telling me what you really think!"

His continued spurring becomes white noise as Eddie's attempts to calm down are interrupted. His rage instantly skyrockets, and he drops the sheets in his arms in order to hold his hands out in front of him, the gesture somewhere between pleading and a threat. "Shut up, holy shit, shut up, just, just shut up! Oh my god!" He shouts shrilly, his eyes wild. "I, I feel like all the, the, the fucking blood in my body is gonna' fucking burst out of my fucking head, I'm gonna' pop, I can't fucking--!"

Richie looks pleased, rocking up on his toes then back on his heels as he listens to Eddie freak the fuck out. "I hate you! I hate your stupid face, and your stupid hair, and I hate that you won't _shut up and leave me alone and let me do my job,_ and I hate that you're always wearing just, normal clothes, like the kind of clothes I have to wear, and you're always running around and goofing off and acting like everyone else can afford to do that too when, like, no, they can't, you're a fucking prince and they're on the goddamn payroll! I hate that you always eat with the staff when you've got all this, this nice, stupidly fancy food you could be eating!"

Eddie can feel his mouth getting dry, but he can't stop shouting. He feels like a man possessed as he continues. "You have all this, this incredible shit that you have access to, that you turn down because you just, you can do that! You can decide to have less and I fucking can't, I have to work for everything and it fucking sucks, and I hate it, and I hate that you're so fucking brazen about it, and I hate that you have all this shit I would never, ever turn down or take for granted because I can't afford to, and I hate that I'm about to get fucking fired, holy shit!" He realizes he's shaking with rage as he collapses against a nearby wall, panting.

"Oh my god, I've never gotten that angry in my entire fucking life." He mumbles, as much to himself as it is to Richie, who just hums happily and steps closer.

"It's a gift." He says cheerily.

"Don't fucking touch me right now, I swear to god." Eddie bites out, eyes burning with fury. "I- I can't, I don't-- I don't know what I'll do, but just... just fucking don't."

Richie nods, and courteously stays where he's standing instead of moving closer. "Wanna' swap?" He asks, voice disgustingly cheerful.

Eddie looks at him like he's crazy. "Swap-- swap what? And aren't I fired?"

Richie rolls his eyes. "I said no repercussions, duh. And swap _jobs_, obviously."

Eddie's mouth works for a minute, just opening and closing as he tries to comprehend what Richie's proposing. "I... I... What?"

"I mean, you won't have any real power or anything. You won't be a _prince_," Richie says, bending over to pick up the linens and shake them out, folding them over his arm. "But you said you'd never turn down or take for granted what I have. And I don't mind doing chamber maid work. I was raised by the staff, so I know what to do." He is, actually, weirdly good at folding those linens, Eddie notices distantly. Richie starts walking and Eddie scrambles to follow after him.

Eddie's mind feels blank after all that anger, and he's having trouble processing what Richie's offering. Richie walks down the hall, enters the room Eddie had been looking for, and starts changing the bedding like it's second nature. "They were, uh. On the floor." Eddie says weakly.

Richie smiles back. "I won't tell if you won't. Besides, absolutely no one can tell the difference. The floors are cleaned so often around here, I'm surprised we haven't worn a hole through the stone." He watches Richie work in a daze. "You'd have some time off, you could wear all the fancy clothes you'd like, eat all the fancy food you want, and fill your days with whatever activities are suitably princely." He finishes and turns around, leans a hip on one of the bedposts. "The only rules are, you have to do all things you get mad at me for avoiding-- again, other than anything that's state business-- and you have to do it for a week."

"I... My job..." Eddie protests weakly. The adrenaline has completely worn off, now, and he feels a bit sleepy and light-headed.

"I can talk to the head maid about it. You'll still get paid like you usually do, and your work'll get done. So? What do you think?"

\--------------------------------------

Eddie is beside himself with worry. "I'm sorry, he-- he insisted, and..." He wrings his hands, glancing between Richie and a very amused looking head maid.

"Breaking in the new guy already, Richie?" She asks, eyebrow raised.

He grins, rolls his shoulders. "You know me. I work fast."

She snorts and rolls her eyes, then turns to Eddie. "Once m'lord gets an idea in his head, there's no stopping him. Don't worry, I'll make sure he does all your work, plus some." She winks, and Richie lets out an offended 'hey!'

Eddie relaxes a little. "Are... Are you sure its alright?"

She huffs. "Even if it wasn't, he's the prince. What am I going to do, hmm? _Not_ accommodate his every whim and passing desire?" Her eyes are sparkling with mirth and undisguised fondness. Then she turns and gently ushers Richie away. "Come along now, chamber prince. Lots of work to be done." His laugh is light and joyful as he lets her herd him along. Eddie is left standing alone in a hall, feeling very confused.

\--------------------------------------

As they'd walked to the head maid, Richie had explained some of the terms in more detail, which included things like wearing his clothes and sleeping in his bed.

"Don't worry," he had said, "I never wear them, and I never sleep in that thing." But it still felt oddly intimate, now the Eddie was standing in his room. It felt wrong. These weren't his things, weren't his clothes, and he was certain that someone would see him and think that he stole them from the prince. But, he'd agreed to the deal, and he was determined.

Plus, it was hard to resist. _That asshole_, he thinks bitterly, _is turning down satin and velvet_. He had both _satin_ and _velvet_ in his wardrobe, and he was still picking bare-bones tunics and trousers. Eddie hates him.

\--------------------------------------

So. Eddie quickly comes to realize that basically all of the satin and velvet are outer garments. And that most of the underclothes are...

Less than ideal.

Itchy and hot and restrictive to his movement. When he has a full undershirt, shirt, and doublet on, he can't even lift his arms entirely above his head.

He puts it down to the prince and him having different body types, and ignores the fact that that doesn't explain how itchy he is, and that it doesn't matter what your body type is, the doublet's fabric would have just as much embroidery either way. And it was a lot of embroidery. It made the material stiff and even more unforgiving, and looked kind of... unappealingly gaudy, to his eyes. He ignores it, though, because he's very sure that he's right.

\--------------------------------------

Over breakfast, Eddie attempts to make a comment about how he doesn't understand what Richie is getting out of all this, but before he can say anything, Richie puts up a hand to silence him.

"Listen. Not that I don't love your company, but I'm only here because they wouldn't serve you properly if I wasn't here, and because I need to be here in case my father joins for some reason. But if this were an authentic meal experience, only servants would be here, and they certainly wouldn't be chatting with you. And believe it or not, I'm not actually that interested in talking to myself. So, I'm going to give you the realest version I can manage. Talk to yourself if you'd like, but I've closed up shop." He gives a little half-shrug, something like 'I'm sorry, but that's how it is', and then he just looks away. Eddie doesn't know how to respond.

He half expects Richie to say something, like _Your food's getting cold_, or _how long are you going to stare?_ But he doesn't say anything, just keeps eating in silence. It's so awkward, Eddie almost doesn't want to eat, but he doesn't want to be hungry, either, so he devours it quickly, just to get the overbearing silence to end.

The portion is smaller than he expected, some sort of fish with asparagus, and it also tastes kind of... under seasoned. Which he doesn't understand, because Sherry's cooking is always fantastic, and he's just a cleaner. It doesn't make sense for her to cook better for him than for a prince. Once he finishes eating, Richie looks up and sees the confusion on Eddie's face. He barely contains laughter, the corners of his mouth curling up. Then he just leaves Eddie alone with his questions, looking very amused with himself.

\--------------------------------------

Eddie struggles to fill his day.

Partially, it's that he doesn't entirely know what a "princely hobby" would be, and what he does know he hasn't practiced long enough to be any good at.

But largely, it's simply that his days are empty.

\--------------------------------------

Even the pillows are embroidered. If he sleeps on his side, he has indents pressed into his face the whole morning.

The blankets feel more ornamental than comforting, stiff and overly hot, while the air in the room itself is just this side of too cold and clammy.

But overall, the worst part is simply that he spends his nights lonely. He looks over to his left, and finds that he actually misses the Angela's presence, if only to have another warm body in the room. 

He rolls over and tries to ignore the feeling.

\--------------------------------------

He bumps into Richie's sister, Princess Kaitlyn, in the hall one day. She raises one stately eyebrow and asks "Are those... my brother's clothes?"

Eddie panics, stumbling over his own words. "Y- yes, I um-- m'lady, but he said I could, uh..."

She nods as he rambles, then cuts in with "That does sound like Richard."

Eddie hasn't heard anyone call him that. Prince, m'lord, sir, Richie... But never Richard. It throws him for a loop.

It doesn't help that her stare is so icy. It feels as though she could look right through him. She's tall, taller than Richie, and somehow Eddie can tell it isn't just the age difference. Her nose is delicate and slender, with high cheekbones and beyond her beauty, she looks carved out of stone. Somehow, her face looks solid, hard, reliable. She looks like she's already been crowned. Like the crown is impossibly heavy, but she refuses to bend. A regal marble statue of a person. She carries herself with such control, and her eyes are so hard and calculating behind all that beauty. She looked like she'd be just as much at home holding a tea cup or a dagger.

She was so very royal, and so very imposing, that Eddie found his entire body seizing up. Like he's being judged, and he's terrified of being found unworthy. But then she smiles, just a little, and Eddie feels his whole body sag with relief. It seems like her smile gets a bit softer, after that, but he can't tell. "Give him my regards when you see him." And then she's sweeping away down the hall, and Eddie's left alone with his thoughts.

_What the fuck?_

\--------------------------------------

"Shirking your princely duties, hmm?" Richie says, looking amused. His hands don't stop their task of folding linens, but he slows down a little to give Eddie more of his attention.

Eddie blushes, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. "No, I just... Princess Kaitlyn sent her regards, so I figured I should find you and... do that."

Richie raises an eyebrow. "You talked to my sister?"

"Not really, it was so minor, uh..." Eddie nervously relays the conversation to him.

Richie laughs when Eddie finishes. "That's Kate alright. Sends her regards... We live in the same castle, what's she need to send them for? I'm right here." The casual nickname mirrors his sister's overly formal address, and it leaves Eddie dumbstruck all over again. Kate? She didn't seem like someone that could ever have a nickname. It just didn't fit.

"She's away more often than you are, sir. Probably hard to find you when she's busy in another castle, being a member of the royal family," A maid cuts in, snickering to herself.

"Hey! You're bruisin' my ego!" Richie clutches his chest like he's in pain, but he's grinning when he says it. Then he turns to Eddie, features still lit up with amusement. "Thank you for the message, Sir Edward." He's been doing that, too, only calling him 'Sir Edward'. Eddie hates it. He makes a shooing motion with his hand. "Now go on, go do prince things."

Eddie's ushered out by a chorus of laughter, and he has to lean against the door afterword. It's the nicest conversation he's had in days.

\--------------------------------------

Three days later, he wakes up in a what he now realizes is a gilded cage and tries not to scream in frustration.

\--------------------------------------

The king joins them for dinner that night.

It turns out, the king doesn't actually get up and _do_ much, so he doesn't have a need for large meals or clothing that allows for a full range of movement. Putting your hands over your head is, evidently, not kingly behavior, and so isn't taken into account for his wardrobe.

The food, he finds after Richie complains and his father starts explaining in the most exhausted tone, as if he'd done this a million times, that the reason the flavor's not actually all that interesting is because too many complex herbs gets the meal called 'base' and 'common'. "They have such _poor quality_ ingredients, they must cover the flavor with spices and herbs. It's a cheap parlor trick instead of _true_ flavor. We have only the _finest cuts_ of meat, only the _freshest_ vegetables, so ours have flavor all their own, without any need for the extraneous."

They don't even have any interesting or exotic meats or veggies, beyond some uncommon fish, because "Only the _baser_ folk have to scavenge for whatever root or fauna they stumble across. _We_ can get roast hart and potatoes with ease, because _we_ aren't like that, so why stoop to their level? We can get these ingredients whenever we'd like, as well, so we don't need to throw everything together into one pot. We keep them separate so we can enjoy every distinct flavor"

After dinner, Eddie pulls Richie to the side and, after a little bit of nervous waffling, asks if every rich person is like that. Richie cackles with delight at his query. "Actually, no. I've been to other kingdoms for diplomacy reasons-- yeah, yeah don't look at me like that, they take me outside _some_times," he says when Eddie eyes him dubiously, "and there's plenty of places where they revel in the local culture and cuisine. Its got to do with how up their own ass they are, and how much they hate their own people. The answer here is, very far and a lot."

The king also dines with them the next night, and Richie looks shocked to see his father again, but he doesn't have anything to complain about for the sake of Eddie's edification, so the dinner becomes what is most likely a more common representation of Richie's family dinners.

They're a fucking tour de force. There's obviously the added stress of, oh, I'm dining with the _king_, better not do anything beheading-worthy(not that their king is _that_ murder-happy, but the fear still exists), but also its just... tense. No one says jack shit. The air itself is fucking heavy and oppressive, and Eddie actually comes away from the table hungry. He's baffled, because can do that at home, and the meals taste better, too.

It makes him angry, actually. He's hungry by force, and they're hungry by choice. They have the option to live a better life than him, but they don't, and it isn't even out of piousness or a decision to see how their people live or because they give so much back to their country. It's because they're so self-centered. It's fucking infuriating.

\--------------------------------------

On the last night, once dinner is over, Eddie pulls Richie aside and pleads "Okay. Listen. I'm-- I'm begging you. Can we _please_ go to the kitchen and eat with everyone. I'm so fucking hungry I'm going to cry. Dinner was the blandest thing I've ever tasted. I'm begging you. I've been itchy for seven days in a row. I think I'm dying."

Richie laughs so hard tears start forming in the corners of his eyes and he has to wipe them away. "Of _course_, Sir Edward, right this way."

Eddie's hackles raise immediately. "If you call me 'Sir Edward' again, I'm going to punch you in the mouth." Richie laughs even harder.

Everyone in the kitchen is delighted to see him. "There he is!" Sherry shouts, ruffling his hair when he walks through the door. They shove food in his hands, including a chunk of bread that's been studded with nuts and fruits and some sort of spice Eddie can't name, and it tastes so good he eats it in nearly two bites. "What's _in_ this?" He asks through a full mouth, amazed at the flavor.

"Whatever we could pick up off the forest floor, obviously." She says, and everyone gets a good laugh out of that.

It doesn't take long into his meal, after only some light prodding from the kitchen staff, for Eddie to start ranting about the kingly dinners. "You're _supposed_ to put different stuff together, because that's how cooking _works_, you bring together stuff that tastes good and it brings out whole _new_ flavors, it, it enhances it, not makes it _baser_ or what-the-fuck-ever. Like, what, does he just want to eat a raw cabbage and call that dinner? What the _fuck_!"

Sherry watches him rant fondly. "Honey, you're preaching to the choir, but like, a choir composed solely of other priests."

"S- sorry." Eddie mumbles, looking away in embarrassment. She just shakes her head, though, smiles a little wider.

"Nah, it's cute, I like it. What else do you wanna' bitch about?"

The meal is warm and inviting and filling and delicious, and everything he'd missed over the past seven days.

\--------------------------------------

They're walking back to Richie's room one final time, so Eddie can retrieve his clothes and get changed.

"I'm not saying I have it worse than my subjects," Richie says quietly, a tightness around his eyes and a rueful smile on his lips, "but my life isn't what they say it is. It's hardly a dream come true. I have my own rules to follow, my own burdens to bear. It isn't dying on the street, but it isn't bliss. That's all I was trying to show you."

Eddie's never seen him so serious before. He looks the prince up and down, wets his lips and says "Richie, I--" but before he can say anything else, he's cut off.

Richie whirls around, joy radiating from him as he clasps one of Eddie's hands in both of his, forcing the two of them to stop walking. "You said it," he exclaims, "you said my name! You can't take it back now, Eddie, now you have to use it!"

Eddie has never been on the receiving end of such pure, unadulterated delight. It leaves him a little breathless. "I... y- yeah, okay... Richie." He smiles even wider, somehow, and something inside Eddie melts a little bit.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about me. I just realized I wasn't having fun, that I'm not very naturally inclined towards this sort of fiction, the characters don't have a natural propensity for anything other than realistic settings(at least not in my hands, anyway), and that the entire thing reads like a cliff notes version of a story.
> 
> I sat on my love letters au for, like, literally weeks. This one I kinda' just fucked around and churned out overnight, and while I have some ideas about where it was going to go, I simply don't have the motivation to write it and I don't think it'd be up to par, and and I wouldn't really have much fun writing it! 
> 
> I also feel like a jerk to simply abandon it entirely when I do have a basic rough draft for the direction the story would go in, so as a way to appease anyone who might be interested in what my plan was, this chapter is basically a collection of my drafts and outlines. IDK if anyone cares enough to read it, but I wanted to post this just in case.
> 
> Also, I get very goofy in my notes, and they are full of spelling errors and dumb references because they're meant for me and the intention is to clean them up later. Sorry if I'm the only one who finds them funny.

The next chapter was going to go something like this:

> Richie hangs around Eddie even more after that, somehow. He doesn't offer to help Eddie with his workload, but he wants his attention more than ever, and Eddie feels incapable of not giving it to him.
> 
> He's just so loud, so showstopping, that it's impossible not to be a little pulled in. Everyone else seems to have a fine time of it, though, smiling fondly and then turning and finishing their work. They enjoy the show that is Richie, but they're too busy to engage, and eddie has no fucking clue how to disengage.
> 
> He realizes, about a week after the little life-swap experiment, that despite the extra weight that is Richie constantly distracting him, he's still getting his work for the day done. But it doesn't feel like he's gotten much better at juggling the two, it's as if his workload's lightened. He can't figure it out, so he asks Angela if she knows anything about it.
> 
> She smiles and explains, teasingly, "You're sort of like the Royal Richie Minder. Like a child minder, but for Richie. We love him, but we can't get any work done around him, and you distract him, so we're fine redistributing some of your work. It's easier to clean one more room than it is to try and clean all our rooms while the prince is underfoot."
> 
> Eddie has mixed feelings on this, to say the least.
> 
> \---------------
> 
> He likes hanging out with Richie, yes, but he came here to do a job, and it feels kind of shitty to know he's just pushing it off onto everyone else so he can goof off with the prince.
> 
> But at the same time, everyone else seems genuinely at peace with this arrangement, and if it makes work easier for all the other maids, he is doing a job, right? And as much as he'd deny it, he does like hanging out with Richie.
> 
> And he's able to send money back home either way, so... was it really so bad to be paid to have fun?
> 
> His pride was uncertain, but his pockets weren't. Money was money. And if he was told to do it by the head maid, he didn't have a lot of options, anyway.
> 
> \------
> 
> He doesn't mention Richie in his letters to his mother. He knows she'd stick her nose where it didn't belong, and start talking about what a better life they could have if he could just leverage his friendship with a prince in his favor. She's not entirely wrong, but Richie is his friend and he doesnt want... he doesnt want it to be like that.
> 
> \---------
> 
> oh!! maybe scene where eddie realizes richie is sneaking out??? follows him
> 
> Sees him in normal people clothes, walking around. hes got, way more money w/ him than he could, ever need for a single outing, and eddies like UGH HERE HE IS AGAIN DOING THE DUMB PRINCE THING WHERE HE GOES AND PRETENDS TO BE A COMMONER WITHOUT ANY OF THE DOWNSIDES, WHAT A PRICK but then he like. Buys a lot of stuff. Food and clothes n stuff. Neat trinkets. Every beggar he passes, he throws coins to, and sometimes food he's lost interest in. Someone pick pockets him tho(of course, he brought so much gold, the dummy) and eddie, just feels this surge of protectiveness and is like hey!!!!! cuz he knows what to look for, how to spot it, cuz thats been his life. And he reaches out and grabs the guy by the wrist. And richies like eddie???? and eddies like LISTEN DONT READ INTO THIS BUT. HE WAS STEALING FROM YOU. And richie just looks at the two of them, and then he's like "ok eddie hand me my money"
> 
> And eddie does, and then richie just. Hands it back to the guy. And hes like "hey just promise me you'll spend it on the right shit, alright? food. Debts. Stuff like that. No going out and getting plastered." and the guy's like UH. UH. WHAT. UH. TH. THANK YOU SIR. I. UM. GOODBYE
> 
> And eddies like DUDE????
> 
> and richies like dw abt it cmon lets go home. And drags eddie back to the castle and its rly quiet the whole way there. And finally eddie's like I just dont get it that guy stole from u and yr the prince you couldve, like, had his hands chopped off or some shit if u wanted.
> 
> And richies like ????do you think i'd do that????? and eddies like NO IDK I JUST. WTF
> 
> And eventually richie's like listen dude..... He clearly needed it. I didn't. That was very much pocket change for me. My parents pay me well to stay out of their hair and out of their lives. And what am I going to do with it?? what am I gonna spend it on?????
> 
> Ive been pickpocketed like. SO many times. Im like, their favorite mark, becuz I never notice, cuz im a fuckin dumbass, and I always got shittons of money on me, by their standards. Its. Its fine. I literally cant do anything, I cant change anything, no one listens to me here, but I figure this is better than nothing. I cant at least try and do this.
> 
> And its cool to see what its like outside of this place.
> 
> Get to eat weird food. Talk to people who dont know im the prince. Its cool. Anddddd alsooooo I got you this!!!
> 
> And he gives eddie some very pretty little artisnal hand crafted thing thats very pretty and cool and eddies like ????????? im crying in the club rn?????
> 
> And richies like yeah I mean. Yr my first real, actual friend in a long time, so. Like even the staff, theyre like family, but. Its just like. different. theyre like aunts and uncles and cousins, which is different from friends, somehow. And youre like different and special n stuff so i saw that and thought of you and got it.
> 
> And eddies like IM DOUBLE CRYING IN THE DOUBLE CLUB RIGHT DOUBLE NOW????????
> 
> Maybe some sort of instrment, like a pan flute or something
> 
> NO A LAP HARP, "idk it just made me think of you... It made me think of your hands."
> 
> "here, the guy who sold it to me said that, in the paintings, under the strings, if you follow the patterns, its instructions on simple songs. Idk, I cant really make it out, but youve got an eye for detail. You dont hav to use it, I just thought it was interesting and that you might like it."
> 
> THEN THERES GOTTA BE A SCENE OF RICHIE STUMBLING UPON EDDIE, IN SOME LONELY CORNER OF THE CASTLE WHERE NO ONE WILL BOTHER HIM, HUNCHED OVER THE HARP, TRYING HIS BEST TO PLAY IT

then an idea for the next scene in the chapter,

> Possibly a scene where eddie is like I GOT A LETTER BACK FROM MY MOM AND SHITS GETTING WORSE IN MY HOMETOWN you GOTTA do something and richies like I CANT THEY DONT LISTEN TO ME ive TRIED OK
> 
> And then richie goes to talk to kaitlyn and is like listen u gotta. Do something abt eddies hometown shits going south.
> 
> And shes like 1)how much sway do u think I have and 2)i cant prioritize one area jsut because we know someone from there it isnt fair to the kingdom
> 
> And hes like YEAH OK but you CAN prioritize a, place thats worse off than anyone else right??? you can prioritize the place that most needs aid. So. Like.
> 
> And shes like hmmmmm maybe youre not as shit at politics as you think, little bro
> 
> And hes like r u fuckin kidding that took. Every ounce of concentration in my body to come up with. I wont be able to have another idea for a month.
> 
> And like eddie overhears the WHOLE THING and hes like. a lil warm and fuzzy that richie tried.
> 
> ...........hmm.
> 
> IDK THO CUZ, THE IDEA IS, NO ONE LISTENS TO HIM SO. HRM. ok so the thing is, I would want some sort of thing that starts the idea of "you need to help the country cuz you have the power" cuz part of richie's thing in his confession is he DONT have the power. hes entirely powerless to control his own life or the fate of the country. He very much is a puppet, and he might be loud but people know how to manipulate him and they can get the reaction they want(especially his parents. They dont Know Him but they know how to make him look good ot the rest of the world, or make him act certain ways, idk how to descibe it but yeah. Its late ok dont bully me)
> 
> Maybe oh maybe just a, a little convo where eddie mentions, my moms saying in her letters that lifes shitty. More and more ppl are like going hungry n shit. And richie hears and hes like damn that sux. And eddies like well do something abt it then. And hes like I cant im just the prince. And eddies like ???yeah yr a prince wtf dude..... And richies like thats not............ Guh. And then eddies like Anyway, but deep down hes annoyed at richie.

then the end of the chapter would be:

> Ohhhhh man eddie jokingly relays that like, haha, yeah, ive had less work assigned to me in order to be the Richie Minder and richie like. IMMEDIATELY shuts down. hes like. Oh.... Oh............
> 
> And eddies like wait whats wrong
> 
> And richies like ok um im gonna. Get outta yr hair. Let u get back to yr real job. Um. Haha. I assume youd rather do that than get paid to hang out w/ me...
> 
> And then he runs off and eddies like NO ITS NOT LIKE THAT..... Richie noooo :(
> 
> And then after a while of avoiding him, richie's like hey come w/ me. And eddies like richie!!! uh. Its. The middle of the night tho???
> 
> And richies like. U dont have to if u dont want to.
> 
> And eddies like NO NO NO IM COMING IM COMING
> 
> And richie takes him up, up, all the way up to the roof. Like he takes eddie to a tower that has an opening to get on the roof and they jsut stare at the night sky for a while and eddies like ok like this is beautiful but why. Right now. why tonight. Why this. {{And then theres a shooting star and eddies like whOA
> 
> And richies like yeah I was talking to the astronomer we keep around and he said thered be a meteor shower tonight.}}
> 
> And eventually richie's like listen my dad's hired ppl to be my friend before. I kno it sucks. I know im a very high maitenence person. So
> 
> And eddies like nonononono its not like that plz and richies like Sure Jan.
> 
> And hes like listen I just wanted to admit some stuff. i dont usually talk abt this stuff, but, like. Idk I feel like I should, w/ you.
> 
> So hes like. "im not a real person" and eddies like waht. And hes like "im just... A trophy. My parents had Kaitlyn and she was... Everything you'd want in an heir. Amazing in every way, naturally adept at politics, innate love of her country, all that jazz. But she was a girl. So then they had me. And I was... I was awful at all of it. And I wasnt independant like her, the more they pulled away the more I clung. So they just took me, and they put me on a shelf, so they could point to me whenever they had guests and go 'look how nice, our bloodline is preserved.' I dont have any political power, or social. I have no job. I have no purpose. My sister may be ignored by our parents, but at least she has drive and vision. I have... Nothing. Im hollow. Im polished gold and empty. Im not a person. Im just a trophy."
> 
> And then he looks over and hes like "im sorry I wasted your time, pretending to be a person. Just. You looked at me and I felt like maybe I could be... Real. for a minute"
> 
> And eddies flabbergasted, and hes got tears in his eyes, but he says the first thing that comes to mind and hes like "what abt the staff??? the ones who raised you?? you laugh with them and have fun and they love you" and richie shakes his head and hes like "theyre fond of me. Im a little wind up toy to distract them from the monotony. But if im around too long, I can see the strain it puts on them. You can only attend a puppet show so long before your get tired and want something new. I dont have anything to add, I just distract."
> 
> And eddie wants to be like THATS NOT TRUE but he doesnt know how to say it in a way that richie believes and richie just continues, just goes "so anyway yeah. I guess I felt safe telling you because... Once you report back to your boss that I had this Big Sad Moment, they'll realize 'oh this friend's no good, time to buy a new one' and then you'll be gone. So. figured i'd do you a favor, get myself out of your hair for good."
> 
> And eddies like WHAT WHY WOULD I EVER DO THAT
> 
> And richies like shrugs. All the other ones did
> 
> And eddies dumbfounded and hes like wait wait ok look this is. This is dumb but uh, and he pulls the lap harp out of his bag and hes like, ive been practicing ok!!! cuz I thought-- I guess I just thought, that, if I came and showed you that i'd gotten better that, somehow, youd realize we. Are friends??? and that ive been, really toched by yr gift and that im thinking abt you and trying and um. Um. Yeah!!!!
> 
> And he, he honestly tries his best but he's Goin Thru It emotionally and the air is cold enough that his fingers aren't working right and hes completely embarassed and hes like SHIT IM SO DUMB ITS SO COLD UP HERE MY HANDS ARENT WORKING THIS ISNT. HOW IT WASS UPPOSED TO WORK AND IM SO UDMB AND IM SORRY IDK THIS WAS DUMB THIS WOULDNT CONVINCE ANYONE IM SO DUMB and like  
Richie just reaches out and gathers up his hands and gently breathes hot air against them and after a beat hes like. I uh. I believe you. And his voice is rough and hes got tears in his eyes and they just like, hug a bunch

so that wouldve been, like, chapter 3, i guess!!

* * *

and like, here's my original story idea thing, where i rambled to myself for like 3k words outlining all my ideas for story beats, but like, essentially from chap 3 it would just be them bonding until the finale where kaitlyn literally stages a coup.

> Less intricate ideas for this, more overarching ideas.
> 
> Want them to be forced to be aorund each other. Richie's a prince and eddie's, like, not.
> 
> Richie is really, really not about that life, and eddie doesnt like him cuz hes a slacker and also hes not being on royalty for one reason or another.
> 
> Eddie slowly learns richie is more than he appears.
> 
> Richie still acts ot partially for attention since he has absentee parents(more concerned with being royal and doing state things to do much for richie. Maybe the ocuntry is small??? theyre only like. Minor royals. idk if I know enough abt monarchies to pull that off lmfao)
> 
> ohhhh also richie could be a younder child or a middle child. He was raised by the staff, and the two other siblings are girls so theres this weird like. On the one hand, hes the more Rightful Heir, but on the other hand, his older sister literally just has more political pull because she learned all the royal shit she was supposed to, and she can marry some rich guy from another kingdom and strengthen the country and forge political alliances, and like, its. Its a whole thing where on paper theyre nicer to richie, but also richie acts out and hates it and wants nothing to do with it all and she actually likes playing the game and is in actuality treated way better. Or maybe not better, but she's treated as a pawn, and she actually has like. A relationship w/ their parents. Idk
> 
> Anyway, richie was basically raised by the staff, and like, was always sneaking off to find more interesting things to do, and eventually he just like. gets a way better relationship with the staff than anyone else in the castle, and hangs out in the kitchen and helps the cooks sometimes, but also fucks off to do whatever hwen he feels liek it.
> 
> {{maybe a whole scene where eddies like YOU LITERALLY GO OUT DRESSED AS A COMMONER???? DO U KNO HOW MAYBE PPL WOULD KILL TO HAVE YR LIFE AND LIVE IN A PALACE??????? and richies just like "they dont know what theyre wishing for, but if they want to swap lives, all they have to do is ask." like hes aware his problems arent the same as someone struggling for money or whatever, but he doesnt have any control or power and hes miserable, so.}}
> 
> Hes flirtatious because he knows it gets him attention, but he doesnt actually go after anyone, really. Girls that are too interested are, like, Girls, For One, but also they tend to have ulterior motives.
> 
> Eddies poor and lives a shity life with his shitty mother.
> 
> she either sells him to the palace to repay a debt, or hes offered a job there and he takes it for his mother, something.
> 
> {{possibly hes hired to be a Friend to richie, and when richie finds out hes really mad, like he pulls the king aside and hes like I DONT NEED SOMEONE ON THE PAYROLL TO BE MY FRIEND, I HAVE FRIENDS, and the kings just really distainfully like "ok so are you bored and lonely or do u have friends??? either you have enough friends, in which case dont bug me, or you need more, in which case I have the money to provide them." and richies fuckin. Heartbroken.
> 
> I like the idea but I also really like the idea of richie deciding on eddie, to the chagrin of his parents, and thats a conflict right there, story-wise.
> 
> Maybe eddie is his friend already(tho eddie would deny it) when this happens with someone else and it gives eddie a new insight into richie????}}
> 
> Eddie is. Oddly charmed and annoyed by richie. Hes had to struggle his whole life and here richie is, throwing away every good thing he's got.
> 
> Maybe initially he doesnt know richie is the prince and one in line for the throne, maybe richie's just wearing Regular Clothes and hanging out in the kitchen so eddie assumes he's some servant's kid or something and hes got a nice playful repatoire with him, and then he finds out. Feels tricked, used, and suddenly if he says one wrong thing this New Friend could get him fucking. Exiled or some shit. Takes him a while to get aorund all that.
> 
> Pennywise could be a court jester. But like, a sinister one, who manipulates richie's parents. Like, half-jester, half-advisor.
> 
> Maybe he was initially hired to entertain a young richie, who was a loud and petulant child. There could even be a scene of richie and eddie alone, when pennywise appears out of nowhere. "why are you so cold, young master? dont you remember when your parents hired me, just for you? just to be your friend? we could play so many fun games together," and its like, a sad voice, but he's grinning the whole time, and he grabs richie by the chin, and richie looks. Fucking freaked out. Eddie steps in and is like "i think hes a little old to be entertained by a court jester." and pennywise looks at him, smiles a little more slyly, says "never too old for a little fun. I bet you two have all sorts of fun, dont you?" then he giggles, and its the most menacing sound in the world, somehow, and hes like "well. I know when im not wanted :( but you should come have more fun with me again someday, richie." and by the time he leaves richie is shaking, and looks like hes gonna vomit.
> 
> He's not around often, more often whispering in the king's ear, or doing something menacing in the throne room, or appearing in meetings he's not supposed to be in and somehow no one notices(probably because the king would get mad, if they did, and he's weirdly, scarily good at strategy. "the best place to hide would be here, then you could pop out and really surprise them. Can't escape the party if their exit's cut off," punctuated by a high-pitched giggle)
> 
> {{he isnt even, like, The Source Of All Evil. hes not magic, hes not warping anything, he just.... Knows how to play the game, and he isnt good. If he died, the country would not be well, suddenly. Richie's father wouldnt love him more, or pay more attention to him, or make better, kinder policies. He would continue to be who he is. Thats all.}}
> 
> [[[[[[[idk if I should even include that tho when it isnt the focus. And idk what Horrible Thing he's done to richie, beyond being maybe generally frightening]]]]]]]]]]]]
> 
>   
maybe eddie knows he's the prince when they meet, but it thrown offguard by his behavior.
> 
> Richie has a reputation, and he both totally fits it and completely defies it, and it leaves eddie unsure of what to do or how to act.
> 
> He tries to be courteous maybe, but keeps snapping at richie and richie's like cmon, cmon, tell me how you feel, cmon, I promise itll be fine, come ON, and is totally badgering him, and eventually eddie snaps and is like OH MY GOD YOU FUCKING SUCK, I HATE YOU, you SUCKKKK, youre loud and obnoxious and your hair is stupid and you have access to all these nice clothes you refuse to wear and you have all this great food you dont eat and blah blah blah
> 
> And richie is absolutely DELIGHTED to be told off. Hes glowing. Preening under the attention, and because someone is being completely honest with no filter. And it makes eddie SO FUCKING MAD so he just keeps yelling and getting angrier while richie just like. Melts with delight.
> 
> And then like, eddie has to pause just to swallow his fucking spit and take a deep breath and richie pops in with "okay. Wanna swap?"
> 
> And eddies train of thought is totally derailed because-- what? what? what?
> 
> And so he says "what."
> 
> And richie is beaming and hes like "yeah! all this cool stuff, you say it's going to waste cuz im not using it, and that you wouldnt waste it. That there are people who'd kill for it. Im sure you're right, so, like. Since im not going to, like. Wanna swap for a week??"
> 
> "obvs, you cant be, like, the prince in NAME or anything, or do. Royal stuff like, idk, talk to my dad n shit. BUT you CAN wear clothes, tahts legal, and I can get you into our fancy dinners no prob. so. Wanna be sorta-prince for a week?? mr. I wouldnt give those things up for the world?" and eddies like. Uh. I mean. DUH.
> 
> And obvs its, like, complete fucking hell. The clothes are actually very uncomfortable, despite the expensive fabrics, because they're so restrictive. the dinners all taste fine, but they're sparse. The king doesnt actually get up and DO much, so he doesn't have a need for large meals, and the flavor's not actually all that interesting, because too many complex herbs gets the meal called "base" and "common". "they have such POOR QUALITY ingredients they must cover the flavor with spices and herbs. It's a cheap parlour trick instead of TRUE flavor. We have only the FINEST CUTS of meat, only the FRESHEST veggies, so like, ours tastes the BEST and SO FRESH, and blah blah blah"
> 
> They dont even have any cool meats or veggies or anything, because "only the BASER folk have to scavenge for whatever root or fauna they stumble across. WE can get roast hart and potatoes with ease, because WE arent like that, so why stoop to their level? also also, we can get these ingredients whenever, we dont need to throw everything together into one pot, we keep them seperate so we can enjoy every distinct flavor"
> 
> Eddie asks richie if every rich person is like that, and he cackles and is like "actually nah. Ive been to other kingdoms for diplomacy stuff-- yeah yeah dont look at me like that, they take me outside SOMEtimes-- and theres plenty of places where they revel in the local culture and cuisine. Its got to do with how up their own ass they are, and how much htey hate their own people. The answer here is, very far and a lot."
> 
> Also, the dinners themselves are a fucking tour de force. There's obviously the added stress of, oh, i'm dining with the KING, better not do anything beheading-worthy, but also its just fucking. Tense. No one says jack shit. The air itself is fucking heavy and oppressive, and eddie actually comes away from the table hungry. he can do that at home, and the meals taste better, too.
> 
> It makes him angry, actually. He's hungry by force, and they're hungry by choice. They have the option to live a better life than him, but they don't, and it isn't even out of piousness or a decision to see how their people live or because they give so much back to their country. It's because they're so self-centered. It's fucking infuriating.
> 
> He doesn't even dine with the king every night. Just two, and richie seems a little surprised the second time, like it's out of the ordinary to get his dad around that often. Most nights he and richie eat alone.
> 
> The first night he tried to talk to richie, and richie just held up his hand and was like "listen. I'm only here, because htey wont serve you if im not here. But if this were an authentic dinner experience, only servent would be here, and they certainly wouldnt be chatting with you. And believe it or not, im not actually that interested in talking to myself. SO, im gonna give you the realest version I can manage. Talk to yourself if you want, but im closed up shop." and then he just looks away and they eat in silence and they do that every fucking night and eddie thinks hes going to die like this. Just because it suks so hard.
> 
> It sucks so hard its fucking killing him.
> 
> On the last night, after he's changed back into his own clothes, he grabs richies hand and hes like "okay listen. Im. Im fucking begging you. Please. Can we PLEASE go to the kitchen and eat with everyone. Im so fucking hungry im going to cry. Dinner was bland as fuck. Im begging you. Ive been itchy for seven straight days. Please. Please."
> 
> And richie is just cackling like a maniac and hes like "of COURSE sir edward,(hes been calling him 'sir edward' the whole time) right this way." and eddie says "if you call me sir edward again im going to dek you. Youre giving me ptsd flashbacks and im also going to die" and richie laughs even harder.
> 
> And everyone in the kitchen is really happy to see him, and they shove bread in his mouth that's studded with nuts and raisins and also it has, like, pumpkin as part of the recipe so the bread itself is sweet and slightly orange and hes like "whats in this omg" and theyre like "whatever we could pick up off the forest floor, obviously" and everyone gets a good laugh out of that
> 
> and eddie is just, ranting about how "youre SUPPOSED TO PUT DIFFERENT STUFF TOGETHER, because, thats how cooking fucking WORKS and by putting stuff that has similar flavor profiles together you BRING OUT NEW FLAVORS and like, does he just, want to eat a raw cabbage and call that dinner???? what the FUCK!!!!" and the chef is like "honey you are preaching to the choir, but like, a choir comprised solely of other preists, and also you just stepped up to give your very first sermon because you are the newest preist there." and hes like sorry and shes like no no its cute. Im 40 preists right now all going 'awww lookit the newbie. Hes tryin. Bless his heart'
> 
> ALSO I WANNA, fixing the kingdom falls on his sister. I want to, now that I think about it, pull a terry prachett(SORRY TERRY I LOVE YOU, I HOPE THIS COUNTS AS INSPIRATION AND NOT STEALING??????? IM SORRY. I SWEAR THIS IS BECAUSE YOURE GREAT AND INSPIRE ME, NOT BECAUSE I INTEND TO STEAL FROM YOU TTOTT)
> 
> Like, maybe its richie's influence that makes her hate her father, or maybe she just. Grew up with a natural eye for politics and a love of her country. And at some point, eddies like "we cant just run away we gotta fix this place" and richies like "look, my sister was literally BORN TO LEAD. She keeps it hidden, but she knows politics and she loves our country and she hates my fathers laws and she sees so many ways to improve things. If I run away, shes NEXT IN LINE, and she can marry someone for political reasons and run the country amazingly. Leaving gives this place a fighting chance. I would be a SHIT KING, because I would try my best, but playing the game isnt my nature. but it is her nature"
> 
> Idk if hed say all that, but those are my thoughts on her. Ohhhhhh wait shes his big sis, and part of the reason he hates his fam is because he saw how bright she was, and SHE ALSO HAD A HAND IN RAISING HIM, and he saw how she got passed over because of him, when he didnt even want it in the first place. She took to politics like a fish to water and never ran away from her tutors. I want her to be great. Cold and calculating and GREAT
> 
> We dont never need ot see the country flourish. Maybe there was even a prophecy, like, "the first daughter of the seventh son with cast out darkness and bring the sun to the kingdom" or some bullshit like that, and she fulfills it, but the king didnt want to admit it because. Like. That involves getting overthrown by his own daughter, and like, first daughter of the seventh son isnt THAT specific, it could be soeone else, right??? and also also, prophecies are dumb. And also also also, that would mean admitting hes the darkness and like, he doesnt think of himself as EVIL.
> 
> Ok wait, they either run away together, and start up a new life in some other country, OR!! the night theyre planning on running away, they have their bags packed and then some gaurd shows up and is like THE PRINCESS STAGED A COUP and theyre like what.
> 
> And she busts in like HEY LITTLE BRO I STAGED A FUCKIN COUP and hes like uh. I was. about to run away from home. So youd be next in line. Um. Uh. uhhhh. And shes like oh man you are SO CUTE. Youre trying SO HARD. Please leave political maneuvers like that to me ok????
> 
> And hes like uh. Uh. Uh. Yeah ok. And shes like youre so sweet for thinking of me tho thanks bro. Anyway im gonna go finish my coup now byeeeeeeee
> 
> {{the actual tone fo the scene will be more serious}}
> 
> anyway I love the idea that we're busy watching the love story of eddie and richie, who should NOT be running a country holy shit, while a real actual political revolution happens in the background. Is that stealing from terry pratchett?????????? wait that feels maybe too similar.
> 
> ah well. Im trying my best and its my second story ever and theres!!! worse things to rip off!!!!!!! also I havent seen that much before and it was my fuckin FAVORITE when I read it so even tho itll be nowhere near as good as his, at least itll be. More of that trope I like in the world.
> 
> Anyway it ends with them happy and really not involved in politics at all. At most they basically run the castle wrt, like, servants n stuff, but even THAT probably not because theyre very very bad at scheduling and they are but Dumbe Boyes. Idiot twelve year olds for life. So like, they probably just, hang out w/ the servants and make sure they have a through line to the queen. Like "hey you need to raise wages cuzza xyz," or "hey theyve been complaining abt 123 recently." thats all they do with their time. Wish fullfillment-y?? yes. But thats why im here and i KNOW IT so. yeah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, like, I feel I need to plug Terry Pratchett real quick, so, read Monstrous Regiment, it's way better than anything I could ever churn out and it's, like, half the inspiration for the plot of this little abandoned ditty, haha.


End file.
